


Hold Me Down If I'm Running Off

by alexavindr (orphan_account)



Category: X-Men (Alternate Timeline Movies), X-Men: Apocalypse (2016) - Fandom
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Drafts Clear-Out, Fuck Age of Apocalypse 2016, M/M, that's going to be my tag from now on
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-27
Updated: 2016-06-27
Packaged: 2018-07-12 23:49:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,021
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7129013
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/alexavindr
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"You're right," Charles chuckles, "I could make you stay. But I won't."</p><p><i>I didn't have to before,</i> a voice whispers in his mind. <i>Will it be the same this time?</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	Hold Me Down If I'm Running Off

**Author's Note:**

> Why did Erik leave wtf

Erik walks beside Charles to the Danger Room, one of the most difficult he'd had to construct when rebuilding the demolished mansion. The wheels of his chair move across the smooth new floor without a sound, and Erik is grateful. If he has to hear the wheels make any noise at all, he'll be reminded that he _should_ stay, if not for stability then for what he's done to Charles, and what he owes him. Staying, though, would mean more debris left behind, more debt Erik needs to pay Charles back, and yet, Erik has the strangest feeling that Charles wouldn't care.

And that's the scariest part, that Charles still wants him to stay with his students, essentially his own  _children._ He wants someone who used to be on the top of most wanted lists of more than a dozen countries to be around all of this hope and growth, like it would do nothing to stunt or harm it whatsoever. 

But that's Charles, Erik realizes, ever the optimist, searching for the ray of sunshine over the bleak, smoke-filled horizon. That's why Erik can't stay; he would destroy Charles with what he knows, what he's experienced. If not Charles, then the children, and almost more than anything Erik doesn't want that, because he's had such precious things taken away from him before, and to do such a thing to Charles - again - would be enough for Erik to want to kill himself in order to rid himself of the  _guilt_ and  _shame_ and  _horror._  

"You wouldn't do that to begin with," Charles says firmly. Erik winces. He's still not used to this; nearly a decade without anyone else's presence in his head, to having given Charles full access to his thoughts and mind. He gave it to him almost as a gift, like the mansion. It's Charles' now because he deserves it, because he's earned it and Erik is obligated to give it to him. Charles lets out an exasperated huff of air, possibly a laugh. "It's yours to give and yours to take back, for God's sake, Erik."

Erik shakes his head, sends along the subsequent  _'no'_ to the professor mentally. A wave of gratitude is returned, and Erik has to smile, his heart slowly feeling like it's being torn in two.

"Well, there's always staying, of course." Charles' voice is quiet, careful, as if not to break some sort of trance, as if Erik would leave without saying a word if he said it too loud. Erik shudders, feeling the rush of  _yesyesyesplease_ and  _can'twantcan'tcan't._ Erik's hand grips the back of Charles' chair, white-knuckled and trembling. Calm rushes through his head like an ocean wave. 

Erik releases a breath he hasn't realized he's been holding as his hand slips down the back of the wheelchair. "I'm sorry."

"Quite all right," replies the telepath. He smiles up at Erik. It's as if no time has passed since then and twenty years ago, when Charles was rambling about different mutations or the genetic traits of Erik's elbow. "My offer still does stand, you know. Your room would be farther from the children's, of course - and I suppose since you tried to build the mansion exactly as it was before - save more renovations, thank you for that - you could essentially have your old room back, so - "

"Charles, I can't." The words are harsher than Erik intended them to be. Charles surely knows, what with their mental connection, but because of the mental connection Erik can also feel the sudden stab of surprise and panic. "I...you know why."

Charles face turns grim as he inhales. "Yes, I do." 

Erik feels Charles' disappointment and deep longing, a current of something akin to need underlying it all. He feels it so strongly it's almost as if the feelings are his own, and that's the worst part, that he has to leave Charles here when Charles is harboring all of this for Erik. But if he  _does_ stay, he will merely break Charles down further, and there will be no hope of recuperation, of revival, not like this - 

"You're  _not_ dangerous, Erik, bloody hell," interjects Charles with a certain intensity that makes Erik recoil.  _"_ _Jean_ is more of a risk to the students than you are, and she's in there right now,  _training._ If you keep thinking you're going to hurt people, hurt  _me,_  then you should be doing something about it, not making the situation worse."

"I  _am_ doing something about it by leaving," Erik retorts. He tries to keep his resolve as Charles' mouth twists into a frown. "I can't hurt you if I'm not here, and I'd rather you stay alive for a while. I'm using a bit of foresight, this time, be grateful for that."

Charles snorts. "Yes, leaving me is going to do both of us a great deal of good." His smile is deprecating in a way Erik hasn't seen it before. Perhaps it's a product of being around misbehaving children for years. The thought of Charles using a tactic he uses on his younger students makes him bristle. "Well, you're _acting_ like one."

"I'm doing this on behalf of both of us, even if you can't see it. Please, Charles, this isn't how I want this to end," says Erik desperately. He doesn't want to leave with him and Charles in the middle of another argument, one that Erik can resolve by doing one thing that he can't do to begin with. _Gott,_ is this always how this has to happen, with Charles hating him whenever he goes, so when he comes back he'll just get punched  in the face or met with contempt.

"That was _one time."_ Charles' tone is petulant, like a toddler's. Erik has to laugh, though he hasn't done that in a while. It becomes more natural, the scratchiness smoothing out into rumbling after a few seconds. To think that ten years ago Charles was an angry, unkempt shell of a man - no thanks to him - and now he was a beloved teacher and father figure. It's endearing, and Erik can't take that away from him, not again. "Shut it, Erik, I'm not done." He takes a deep breath while Erik quiets down. "This doesn't have to be the end. You're making it one because that's what you're used to. And look how you turned out because of it. You're all old and tired."

Charles reaches up and smooths out the lines in Erik's forehead with his thumb, red lips curving up in a tender smile.

Erik huffs, not sure if that was a joke or if the telepath was serious. He is tired, but he isn't _that_ old, only fifty-six...well, maybe he _is_ a bit old. But that doesn't mean anything; he feels almost the same as he had a decade prior. Charles' light smile indicates it's a bit of both, and Erik's brow releases. If Charles can still joke about it, be so sure that this will work, Erik should be able to as well. But then again...

"No," Charles whispers, "let your mind rest, my friend. Relax. There are no contradictions here, let yourself settle." He reaches up to touch Erik's temples, a light brush against his skin, massaging as gently as he can. "Stop thinking, and stay. There's time for that later. Just stay."

"I guess you could make me." Erik looks at Charles fondly, who draws his hands back with a sad smile, his eyes diverted at Erik's feet. When he feels Charles disconnect from his mind, he finally opens his mouth. "Goodbye, old friend."

A puff of air is all Erik gets as an answer. It's not the goodbye he wants, but it's the best he might get. He decides not to push any further, not when he doesn't deserve it. Erik pulls back and walks back towards the elevator, his footfalls far too loud against the silence.

In his mind there is nothing but emptiness, reminiscent of what he imagined life after killing Shaw would be like. Static. Boring nothingness. A life devoid of true meaning, of real emotion. Once upon a time Erik hadn't cared whether or not he lived that life, whether he went on not caring about anything until he died. That might've been because there was no doubt in his mind that there would be nothing for him to care for.

But there was now. He was leaving it behind. To keep it safe, to preserve it, like a valuable in glass, something he can look back on but never touch, lest he break it into millions of pieces. He can't risk that, not again.

He reaches the elevator.

"You're right," Charles suddenly chuckles, breaking the silence moments before Erik steps in, "I could make you stay. But I won't."  
  
_I didn't have to last time,_ he hears a voice say, _Will it be the same now?_

The elevator door closes with Erik still in the hall, the shutting of its doors echoing throughout the hall. "Charles."

"All this time, wasted...fighting each other because we want separate things." Charles' voice is self-loathing, bitter, yet ever-so-hopeful. Erik hasn't turned back yet, knowing that if he will he surely will never make it out. "You were right, you know. About us wanting the same thing. Maybe not then, but you are now. We want what's best for us, and what's best for us is each other."

Images of Charles, alone in his mansion, after Cuba but before Logan, drinking his memories of Erik and Raven away, washing down his hopes of ever building a family with them from his mind with alcohol and the serum. Erik shivers. The _serum._ Charles undoubtedly will not resort back to that now, not with the children here and Raven back with him, but there's a small part of Erik that still thinks that it will continue to cause more problems.

Then there's Erik before Charles. He's angry and alone and he just wants to destroy the entire world, the world that everyone else gets to have but has been taken from him. Rage, familiar like an old song played on repeat. Emptiness, like the sky after a storm.

And now Erik sees Charles before Erik, careless and promiscuous, arrogant and naive. Everything is at Charles' command, for he is more powerful than anyone else, and he doesn't want that burden but he _has it,_ carries it on his shoulders like a superhero out of a comic book. He has to use this power, of course. It's painful but it's his, and there must be a reason for that. Raven is his sidekick, his partner in crime, or, rather, good. They must stay out of the public eye, and it's easy for him, but Charles doesn't realize that for some sidekicks wearing a costume is worse than being the hero's shadow.

Of course, now, there is Erik with Charles. Charles with Erik. Laughing and free and together, not lonely. Chess games and scotch and talking, small arguments. Smiles and shared glances. Charles learned humbleness, Erik learned serenity, each giving the other something they already had. Give and take, gift and receive. They had each other and they were happy, finally, finally _happy_.

Erik is struck by yearning. He almost cannot breathe. There's yearning, so deep and consuming that Erik feels like a fish caught in an indestructible net, being pulled closer and closer until -

Erik is looking straight into Charles' eyes, having moved subconsciously across the room towards Charles, his indestructible net.

"Charles," he repeats helplessly. _No,_ he thinks, though it's swept away by another voice,  _it's okay_ _._ "Charles, I can't - "

"We _can,"_ says Charles. "Oh darling, we can."

His hand covers Erik's calloused one, the one that's holding onto his wheelchair for dear life. He's shaking like a leaf, his mind a tumultuous tumble of thoughts and images and fear of losing it all. Charles squeezes Erik's hand.

"Do you want this?" Charles' voice is steady, for Erik's sake. The metal-bender's thoughts all form into one answer, one answer he's always been denied.

 _"Yes,"_ he exhales, "I do."

**Author's Note:**

> I told you this sucked old car tires
> 
> The title is from Fire/Fear by The Head and the Heart.


End file.
